One of the biggest drawbacks other than an elephant’s foreskin is the fact that being brought up by a mixture of grandparents, auntie’s and obviously the real parents is the conflicts of opinion. As children our heads were scrambled with what’s right and what’s wrong and religion playing a point of torture. Our parents were as atheist as a stick of celery yet our neurotic aunt is as Christian as they come, so being taught two completely different things, as well as having read the bible at school gave us the advantage of seeing the Christianity faith from a more tongue in cheek humorous side.

One of the earliest memories of religion I had was meeting a real nun in Religious Education class, which bizarrely back then should have been called Christian Education because… in truth, I didn’t even know other religions’ existed until the world trade center was ruthlessly destroyed. Now for those of you who have never met a proper hardcore nun I’ll explain just what it’s like to be face to face with one of God’s messengers. The first thing about them is that they don’t walk… they float! I remember looking at these scary penguin like creatures in fear because of the stories I had been told as a kid about torturous nuns inducing child slavery.

The second time I met a nun was at a convent on a college psychology field trip, basically me and three others had to do a paper on religion and it’s mental affects and the reason we were chosen was because out of the class of twenty, we were the only ones without any religious attachment… oh and believe… it was as funny as fuck!

The door of the convent slowly swung open and standing there was a vile bad tempered, typical looking nun… her long black threads flapping in the wind of a typical funeral day. “What do you know about God?” she barked at us, without even a sodding Hello. “Who?” I said jokingly as my fellow classmates sniggered behind me. “GOD! YOUR CREATOR… YOUR MASTER! EVERLASTING GOD!” she hissed at me.

Now firstly, if you expect a decent conversation out of me at any time then don’t shout or swing a mood, it puts my back up almost immediately. “My mum and Dad created me… seriously… they had sex an everything!” I replied in jest, hoping to inflict a charm offensive on her. “JESUS DIED FOR YOUR SINS AND YOU REPAY HIM BY YOUR ACTS OF INSOLENCE!” The crabby bitch barked… “when was this?” I asked… “2000 YEARS AGO BOY!” she said… I thought fuck me, how can she pin that one on me… I was only 17.

“JESUS IS THE SON OF GOD! SON OF MARY! OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST!” she bellowed. “Oh, so God was married to Mary then?” I said jokingly knowing secretly the Bible back to front. “NO BOY! MARY WAS MARRIED TO JOSEPH!” she shouted! “Oh… so Mary had an affair with God then!” I laughed. “NO! MARY DIDN’T KNOW GOD HAD GIVEN HER THE CHILD!” hmmmm… now I don’t mean to be deliberately belligerent but what do you call someone that has sex with someone else without their consent… “Ah I get it… God raped Mary!”…

I knew I had gone a tad too far with that one, my fellow classmates gasping in shock as they stepped back spinelessly. The day became overcast and wind billowed furiously, I was suddenly shitting a brick as I realized that not only had I overstepped the line… I had jumped over it and danced selfishly and pretty much managed to piss off a fire breathing shit spewing penguin... “DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE THAT DON’T LOVE GOD? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO THE FAITHLESS?” she screamed. I looked past her into the great Gothic hall and there was a guy on a cross… “that happens?” I said coyly.

Oh my god the nun went totally spastic, screaming at me and storming off claiming she was gonna report me to the college. Like fuck was I bothered, having a religion shoved down my throat all my life by a crazy aunt coupled with the nun’s blatant rudeness had me pretty pissed the moment I got there. It was a psychology paper not Religious studies… I would simply use all my charm on Dr Writhams and do a bit of extra ass kissing… I was bound to get away with it, after all… difference of opinion is what makes psychology what it is.

To say I enjoyed my three weeks suspension would be a lie, it rained every bloody day and God blessed me with the most boring three weeks of my life… you would have thought with all that power he would at least have a sense of humor… asshole!

One of the disadvantages of an upbringing solely dominated by a wonderful mum, Nan and neurotic auntie is the bullshit they feed you about life as you grow up. I remember yarns about finding a good decent girl, settling down and having a wonderful life of love, loyalty and happiness.

The first thing as guys your taught is to find yourself a good girl with the morals of a nun, someone to take care of you and look after you through the digs and jabs of a life dominated by testosterone and the loyal psychotic appendage that sits in your boxers.

Now after dating, drunken one night stands, stoned fuck buddies and countless relationships with women that have been as satisfying as eating a walnut after three weeks of starvation do I know the truth. I have vowed to tell my boys (if I have boys) the unpleasant truth from the start, secretly if I must beyond the ears of their lucky mother if I have to… I want my children to be happy and to milk life of every experience they can before they inevitably snuff it off the mortal coil of a boring life.

The objectionable truth is that nice girls are as boring as daytime television and the only way they are gonna get any kind of sexual fulfillment is if they find a chick that’s had more stabs than a heroin addict. Nice girls are a total fucking nightmare, waiting weeks for sex at a time is no fun in the slightest and considering its something both partners are supposed to enjoy it ends up giving us guys the feeling that she would rather strap a firework to her face than get giggedy giggedy goo in the sack.

It’s not only the upbringing that tells you this bull either, religion is another demon of forcing you to live a long healthy life of woman less and soulless fun. The Extreme Muslim faith is another banal contender of stabbing the eyes of exuberance, I’m sure you’ve all heard the theory of sacrifice in the name of God gives you a substantial amount of virgins in heaven… I mean seriously… why would you do that… the fact that these fucking idiot girls managed to die virgins in the first place means that they are either four years old or that the fuckers are too tight to dish it out in the first place, so why the fucking hell would you want to spend the rest of eternity with them?

To be hoodwinked by a religion promising such a nightmare of non sex in the first place means that these extremists get what they fucking deserve anyway. Suicide bombing in itself is as bright as trying to fuck a light socket nevertheless, who says they wont end up going to heaven as just a brain in a jar while their cock rots hanging from a tree in Iraq? If heaven is full of virgins anyway then I’ll take the express elevator to hell at any rate, I’ll say with great pride to God

“look sorry mate, it sounds okay an all that… but playing harps and sitting with Take That fans aint really my thing… so give Satan a ring and tell him to put the kettle on for me!”

Now days when I’m dating I’m only interested in shit spewing bitches with a whole line of ex boyfriends and a ton of filthy references, sex is the only thing that one… I’m good at… and two… it’s the only thing I’m ready to do 24-7. So surly its in my best interests to have a girl that’s totally indecent, raucously good in bed and one that puts out like twice a week at least.

Has anyone here been out with a virgin? For those of you that aint had the pleasure I’ll fill you in on what your luckily missing. For a start they are emotionally high maintenance, you forever treading on eggshells and your forever failing to get anywhere near bare flesh, and the older they are the bloody worse they are.

Okay so you’ve spent a year of giving her your coat while in monsoons, opening the car door for the lazy shite and buying her everything shes ever wanted and she’s decided “she’s ready”… so what then… fucking run like hell. I once gave a girl a condom to put on me, it’s always a hundred times better if she does it and it’s much less of a passion killer. She opens it and unrolls the bloody thing before my John Thomas is even out in the fresh air, I watched in pure amazement as she tried stuffing my pecker in it like she was putting her arm through her jumper sleeve.

The deed itself was a pure fucking disaster from the word go, imagine trying to fuck a plug hole and that’s pretty much it spot on. I gave up on her that day, virgins over the age of 20 have totally no desire to learn… if you try to give them advice they act like you’ve just slapped their ass with a damp towel.

Trust me guys… if you wanna get on in life and be happy… find yourself a fire breathing, venom spitting whore, you’ll be a lot happier.

I have a slight problem with non believers, it’s so much of a problem that sometimes I would just blatantly refuse to talk to them about literally anything. The thing is that as humans we have an imagination for the sole purpose of our acceptance to believe, hope and dream. Without it we are merely a shell born to reproduce unforgiving brats, work our knuckles until they bleed to make other people rich and then we suffer the indignity of pissing our nappies, force fed mushy peas and getting beaten up by some immigrant that has somehow managed to get a job as a carer. The day I get dumped into gods waiting room they call an old peoples home is the day they find me hanging from my plastic piss sheet.

Also the science behind life on other planets means that the possibility of us being alone in the universe is just a cop out for not accepting that there are people out there greater than ourselves. People choose not to believe because they are scared of the potentially dangerous and life threatening prospect of an invasion, even that is just a theory based on our own barbaric attitudes to one another.

As you can imagine I’m a big fan of the X-files and I watch it religiously, every episode, every season as part of routine. Fox Mulder is basically the voice of people like myself that believe that the higher authorities no more than they are letting on, nothing can enter our atmosphere without us knowing and the fact that these “UFO‘s” fuck off in and out as they please is a bit steep. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, but what I am saying is the government let them for reasons that only they know.

Another reason of people’s inability to believe is more to do with religion I think, basically people don’t believe in life outside our rather defenseless bubble because if it were ever proved, then it’s very possible that religion in all it’s forms and all it’s deities would be itself proved a hoax. With over 80% of the worlds population following some kind of faith no matter what group, as a civilization it would be catastrophic. Personally I would be happy for the aliens to invade if it stops Jehovah’s banging on my bloody door like packs of badly dressed wolves every Sunday.

Another thing that really fucks me off proper is the fact that people can have a faith in a God that’s never been seen, witnessed or scientifically proven… yet they can laugh at thousands of eye witness accounts, video footage, photo’s and “top secret” documents involving extra terrestrial phenomenon… to me that’s a bit hypocritical to say the least. I also believe that to believe in a God and be a proper hardcore follower is mug off from their own responsibility, it’s all to easy to blame your own actions on a faith and get away with it… I’m not saying don’t believe but what I am saying is that people should take responsibility for their own mistakes… “it’s God’s will” or “the Lord works in mysterious ways”… yeah right… FUCK OFF! You crashed your own car… so deal with it!