Me, Love and the weirdo Love turned me into…

There’s one thing on this banal existence that everybody dreams of catching after years of chasing, and that’s the rather deadly feeling of love. The bizarre thing is that it’s actually reciprocal love that people want and pray for, to be loved back unconditional and through all life’s little stabs in the back.

Now everyone that’s been in Love knows that Love aint unconditional and that Love don’t make life worth living, it turns your life into an emotional roller coaster that will give you some happiness a day at a time. It could make you want to take a million pain killers and hope your death is as painless as possible, leaving behind shattered hearts and bitter loved ones because you opted to end your own suffering.

I’m not saying that Love is a bad thing, in fact far from it… Love feels good and it helps you twitter away on life’s merry coil. But it does have a habit of turning you into a rather odd shadow of your former self, a paranoid gullible emotional nightmare as you try to hold on to your loved ones with a deadly grip that can only make them slip away. Take me for example, I used to be an easy going, totally trusting and wonderfully laid back guy to go out with and I still am to a certain extent, but since getting ruthlessly dumped I’ve noticed a few frayed edges in my own mind that I’m fighting against because I know it just aint me.

Constant Communicational Pest

One of the things about me is the fact that I can hold a conversation with a duck and still make it intelligent and amusingly cultured, so a text from me aint abbreviated and contains enough substance to warrant a reasonable reply.

Take Sarah for instance, she is the blatant opposite and eventually I had to back off with the texting because it was driving me and her nuts. I assumed that because you love someone you don’t mind talking to them because after all that’s what communication is all about. But Sarah finds it hard to hold a conversation by text unless it’s a conversation she has either started or has a lot to say about.

There’s one thing in this world that really annoys me more than Lionel Blair and that’s the text response of “LOL” or “YEAH LOL”. Its fucking rude, shows a persons arrogance and shows very little interest in the present conversation, and not forgetting total contempt for the person your talking to... so coming from a loved one it amplifies a hundred times over and it makes me think that the “loved one” just don’t find me interesting.

Now luckily I have accepted that some people just cant text and I’ve vowed to myself that I’m not gonna get my head in a screw with texting any more because this world is full of much better things to stamp my feet at… Timmy Mallet being one of them. At the end of the day if someone don’t respond how I want them to then that’s fine, forcing a conversation from someone that aint interested aint gonna work and I realize that now and from now on texting will be limited to two or less sentences or mirroring the person I’m talking to… hazzar… I feel better already!

Is that the Green eyed Monster?

I’ve never really done jealousy but sometimes it rears its ugly head and I deal with it and stamp it down, mostly without Sarah realizing which is a far cry from the way Sarah copes… her jealousy when triggered means I sleep on the couch and the dog gets my space in the bed.

In very small doses jealousy can be a constructive and a good kick in the ass to realize what you have is precious and worth giving it a hundred percent for. If Sarah showed a bit of jealousy every now and then in relatively small doses then the I could live happily without the whole texting shenanigans because any doubts and fears are being fixed in another form. Before she dumped me I had to take medication for a problem that I aint gonna go into details about but sufficed to say at sent me off my head and as paranoid as fuck.

Obviously there’s no smoke without fire and despite her not actually cheating her behavior and sneakiness towards the end did give the impression that she was getting cocked somewhere else, but my meds made me think about it so intensely that I could see her getting fucked by guys so vividly that when I shut my eyes it was like watching Dutch porn.

I’m off the meds now out of choice, apparently they are essential to my recovery but at what cost? Losing the person I love? Don't think so, I would rather suffer in silence... I’m sacrificing my physical health for my mental health quite happily and I’m a better person for it. To me my mental health is more important because the paranoia was so deep rooted and tormenting, to me it felt like my whole relationship was lie. Now I only get the odd twinge at jealousy that can only be described as a slight niggle, a million times easier to cope with because it’s been and gone within moments. As a result I am suffering some really strong physical pain for fifteen hours in every day but it’s a pain that I would gladly take instead of twenty four hours of spirit crushing and relationship destroying jealousy.

Love at the end of the day is a gift that much is true, but it aint a bed of roses and like everything else it has some serious bad points. But not knocking what I have or have had I embrace it now and fight the fight at one day at a time… If you try and do more then love will grind you up and spit out out your teeth…

Love is a very happy and precious gift… but it’s also ruthless, unforgiving and can bring on some serious mental issues… so if your gonna love… be careful… relying on another person for happiness and completion is against the rules of God… so I’m told!

Scott