One of the biggest drawbacks other than an elephant’s foreskin is the fact that being brought up by a mixture of grandparents, auntie’s and obviously the real parents is the conflicts of opinion. As children our heads were scrambled with what’s right and what’s wrong and religion playing a point of torture. Our parents were as atheist as a stick of celery yet our neurotic aunt is as Christian as they come, so being taught two completely different things, as well as having read the bible at school gave us the advantage of seeing the Christianity faith from a more tongue in cheek humorous side.

One of the earliest memories of religion I had was meeting a real nun in Religious Education class, which bizarrely back then should have been called Christian Education because… in truth, I didn’t even know other religions’ existed until the world trade center was ruthlessly destroyed. Now for those of you who have never met a proper hardcore nun I’ll explain just what it’s like to be face to face with one of God’s messengers. The first thing about them is that they don’t walk… they float! I remember looking at these scary penguin like creatures in fear because of the stories I had been told as a kid about torturous nuns inducing child slavery.

The second time I met a nun was at a convent on a college psychology field trip, basically me and three others had to do a paper on religion and it’s mental affects and the reason we were chosen was because out of the class of twenty, we were the only ones without any religious attachment… oh and believe… it was as funny as fuck!

The door of the convent slowly swung open and standing there was a vile bad tempered, typical looking nun… her long black threads flapping in the wind of a typical funeral day. “What do you know about God?” she barked at us, without even a sodding Hello. “Who?” I said jokingly as my fellow classmates sniggered behind me. “GOD! YOUR CREATOR… YOUR MASTER! EVERLASTING GOD!” she hissed at me.

Now firstly, if you expect a decent conversation out of me at any time then don’t shout or swing a mood, it puts my back up almost immediately. “My mum and Dad created me… seriously… they had sex an everything!” I replied in jest, hoping to inflict a charm offensive on her. “JESUS DIED FOR YOUR SINS AND YOU REPAY HIM BY YOUR ACTS OF INSOLENCE!” The crabby bitch barked… “when was this?” I asked… “2000 YEARS AGO BOY!” she said… I thought fuck me, how can she pin that one on me… I was only 17.

“JESUS IS THE SON OF GOD! SON OF MARY! OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST!” she bellowed. “Oh, so God was married to Mary then?” I said jokingly knowing secretly the Bible back to front. “NO BOY! MARY WAS MARRIED TO JOSEPH!” she shouted! “Oh… so Mary had an affair with God then!” I laughed. “NO! MARY DIDN’T KNOW GOD HAD GIVEN HER THE CHILD!” hmmmm… now I don’t mean to be deliberately belligerent but what do you call someone that has sex with someone else without their consent… “Ah I get it… God raped Mary!”

I knew I had gone a tad too far with that one, my fellow classmates gasping in shock as they stepped back spinelessly. The day became overcast and wind billowed furiously, I was suddenly shitting a brick as I realized that not only had I overstepped the line… I had jumped over it and danced selfishly and pretty much managed to piss off a fire breathing shit spewing penguin... “DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE THAT DON’T LOVE GOD? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO THE FAITHLESS?” she screamed. I looked past her into the great Gothic hall and there was a guy on a cross… “that happens?” I said coyly.

Oh my god the nun went totally spastic, screaming at me and storming off claiming she was gonna report me to the college. Like fuck was I bothered, having a religion shoved down my throat all my life by a crazy aunt coupled with the nun’s blatant rudeness had me pretty pissed the moment I got there. It was a psychology paper not Religious studies… I would simply use all my charm on Dr Writhams and do a bit of extra ass kissing… I was bound to get away with it, after all… difference of opinion is what makes psychology what it is.

To say I enjoyed my three weeks suspension would be a lie, it rained every bloody day and God blessed me with the most boring three weeks of my life… you would have thought with all that power he would at least have a sense of humor… asshole!