Before I met the woman my eating habits consisted of eating either at me Nan’s or what ever pile of shite I successfully managed to nuke in the microwave without it turning into a burnt out house‘s sofa. Going out for dinner just weren’t something I did, the closest I ever got to a civilized meal was buying a kebab after a piss up of blood, alcohol and a series of love bites after playing pull the pig.

Eating out for me is atrociously expensive for the simple reason being that when I go out to eat I choose what normally is considered as the top meal. I wont choose shite like Cod and chips, Sausage and Mash and crap like that because I can cook that myself and it defeats the idea of eating out in the first place. I choose Mixed Grills, Lasagne's and anything that contains lavish helpings of dead animal flesh… a vegetarian I totally aint.

I like menus that basically cut to the chase, here’s an example of a dish taken out of a Witherspoon menu and how much bollocks they talk…

Now basically what it roughly translates into is Pie and Mash, the rest is a desperate attempt to get the piss heads eating their over priced warmed up meals. What in Jesus’ sandals is a Portobello Mushroom? More importantly who gives a flying fuck? A mushroom the last time I looked is a mushroom, them silly little things the gnomes sit on while fishing. “Slow cooked farm assured British beef?” Roughly translated it means “reheated pie made in England but don’t worry it aint got BSE!” (or mad cow disease to the data inept)

Another criminal of talking total bullshit is McDonalds, but they do it with images rather than words. As you can see from the cracking evidence I have so generously supplied, a simple thing such as a cheese burger is blatantly sold to us under misconception and total criminal false advertising. The cheese burger on the left is a promotional picture of a cheese burger from their shit website, I got it from their website so they couldnt sue me for slander… the rather shit image of an exhausted UFO on the right is the actual cheese burger I bought in McDonalds… sinister fuckin wankie shit criminals!

Subway… eat fresh! Right I’ll stop them there… two things… it aint fresh and I know that because someone I know works in one. The processed meat savaged, salad slopped roll you eat from a Subway is FRESHLY MADE not fresh! My little insider informed me that the rolls are frozen and heated up to order and the fillings are always a day behind to save waste, so in effect if you walk into a Subway and buy a roll when it opens you will be eating the shit from the day before… so help me out here guys… how is that fresh?! Bit of a trading standards issue there and misleading the customers me thinks.

There are places I do like obviously, Wimpy is very under rated these days and their burgers are like heaven on earth. Chinese restaurants are top notch and because their menus are incredibly simplistic, no bullshit and have more variety meaning eating at them has the benefit of never getting boring.

If I had my way I would have Chinese every night, a greasy bacon sandwich for breakfast and some lovely raw wet pussy just before bedtime with a cup of hot chocolate or a Horlicks… but it don’t work out like that and luckily for my now shrinking waist line I’m pretty glad.

One thing that I have often wondered though… does pussy juice have calories? If so I think I now know why I’m a fat fucker… because it aint the food I swear!