Being me is never easy and the one thing I want in life is an easy life, it’s not that I’m lazy or anything like that… I’m talking about women. Poor Sarah had no idea what she let herself in for the day she asked me out because I do get my fair share of admirers and normally they are either unhinged in some way or just blatant horrid pond life. This month I’m involved in a complicated three way game of death between my girlfriend, my best friend and her friend the crazy lesbian.

This week Sarah has had the misfortune of meeting Kerry, actually it’s okay they get on great and no doubt they will end up good friends. There’s only one tiny problem… Kerry is hell bent on getting me and Sarah into a sleazy three in a bed romp along with a scary collection of rubber cocks and industrial vibrators capable of hitting at least an eight on the Richter scale.

It’s all very well and good and I can hear you guys shouting at me from here, but Kerry is like a totally obsessed sex fanatic and self proclaimed expert. She makes wads of cash in the States on “business holidays” with her husband and EX mate of mine, Steve… making PORN! So the idea of jumping into bed with a woman that knows more tricks than Paul Daniels with a copy of Playboy TERRIFIES me. Plus to add the fact that this bird has had some seriously big cock too is even more intimidating because I’ve only got half an inch and a dozen wrinkles and that’s in the warm weather.

Kerry at the end of the day is my mate and has been for nearly twelve years, she’s trained me on all forms of sexual tricks ranging from oral sex, dildo action and even kissing so I’m eternally grateful as is the permanently happy girlfriend… the only problem is that now after all these years of sexual training Kerry has decided it’s time for my one on one exam and Sarah is about as pleased as John Prescott with an empty fridge.

Now as if matters aint difficult enough there is Candice, this vile ex lesbian and bisexual monster of ego and slaggism has the disability of not being able to shut her legs properly. She has been a pain in my ass for almost as long as I’ve known Kerry and she shows no sign of letting me live an easy life either.

Basically the problem is I’m the only guy that’s ever said no to her, I aint gay or nothing it’s just that one… I like my girls bigger than her, two… she’s got the mankiest feet I’ve ever seen (which is very important) and three… she has the attitude of a schizophrenic seagull on a diet of steroids… so her chances are below zero anyway.

Now Candice is good friends with Kerry and Candice has told Kerry that she will seduce and fuck me under any means necessary… so Kerry being Kerry has told Sarah, and Sarah being Sarah is now shopping in Homebase for the biggest fucking chainsaw she can find so she can perform the worlds messiest and most painful vivisection.

Sarah is taking it all very well I must say, she knows I don’t encourage it any way whatsoever and I’m sure if she thought there was a problem I would have woke up without a cock ages ago. But my life is always complicated and it’s always either lack of money or too many women trying it on with me… why cant it be too much money and lack of women… now that’s an easy life.