One of the most bizarre places in the world is Florida at 3.00am, it’s quiet except for the sound of Crickets and other insects you normally hear only in Summer bay, scorching heat that you normally only feel on mid summers day in England. There isn’t much in the way of nightlife since we were staying literally in the middle of Suburbia hell, complete with mail boxes, white holiday homes, big American 4 wheel drive motors and proper authentic trash cans.

Surprisingly though it’s the little things you notice, subtle differences in the oddest things like the grass for example. The first thing with the grass there is that it’s perfect, vast lawns and patches of perfectly cut and faultlessly green grass… no dog shit or litter, no news papers or condoms… just like the all the big white holiday homes that stood around us like giants of convenience… picture perfect! Another thing about the grass that puzzled me is that it crunched like snow when you illegally walk on it, bending down to look to make sure I aint decapitated a bloody hedgehog or something I was shocked to find it was thick like plastic… it felt fake.

Walking into the apartment was pure heaven after walking in from the 3am darkness at 29 degrees into an apartment that’s air con frosty, being a thoroughbred Brit I love the cold. I never even bothered looking around at the décor seeing as my eyes were rioting against me, my brain on stand by and our tempers on edge as they squabbled about who’s fault it was that we got lost even with a Sat nav. Dragging our suitcases through and taking a bloody good shit, me and Sarah crawled our way into a big fat double bed and fell asleep after eighteen long ours of traveling educed boredom and terminal loafing.

Just six hours later we were awake again, feeling cheated of some much needed sleep I scratched the bollocks and staggered into the on suite bathroom, greeting me was a six hour brown hat stand in the bottom of the toilet I was too tired to flush earlier. Now I was getting ready for something special, I don’t know why but expected the toilets to flush differently and grabbed the chain and watched expecting something tremendous.

I wasn’t wrong and the toilets flushed totally brilliantly, our toilets work on the principle on the water from the system pushing our ass deposits through a system of tubes… but get this… their toilets work buy the bottom opening somewhere just out of sight and the water along with the Richards and whatever else you chuck in there vanishing straight into the sewer below. It meant that no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t block the bastard. I put on over two stone just trying to bake a crap big enough to fuck their system and I walked away two weeks later fat and defeated.

The best thing about family holidays is that you get serious conflicts of interest, especially when you have two kids with ya as well, so when it came to deciding what we were gonna do with the day ahead I used to amuse myself by sitting back and watching world war three from the comfort of my big American armchair.

Now if it were just me and Sarah then it would be simple, sex and shopping, shopping and sex, shopping and shopping then shopping and shopping… actually we probably wouldn’t get time to do the sex bit as we only had two weeks and she had my debit card and a lot of shopping to do. Sarah in fact had to buy a whole new suitcase for the crap she bought herself and I came back with two appallingly tacky t-shirts, so it was well worth the over time when I came back to top my account up.

Disney Land? Next post coming when I can bummed to write it…