An English lesson... actually a swearing lesson...

When learning English at school it’s all very black and white, Romeo and Juliet, Macbeth and it’s pretty damn boring because it’s as pointless as a girls toilet in George Michael’s house. The English language as I was taught at school is pretty much dead and I can honestly put my knackers on the table and say I've never used it properly since leaving, half the reason is its pretty dull and boring and the more important reason is I’ll be the only fucker speaking it.

When you leave school the whole English language gets turned on it’s head and becomes a contradiction in terms, everything becoming opposite and senseless. If we are are being antagonistic or aggressive we use words that denote friendship and closeness. “Listen to me pal!… Your asking for it Pal” or “I’m gonna cut your gonads off friend!” or even “hey friend… what ya doing nicking my boxers, mate?!”
What’s even more fucked up is that when we are actually being friendly with someone, we use the foulest and most absurd fucking language we can ever say. “hey you fat bastard, how the fuck are ya you gobshite?” or “hi you old poofter, hows the bollocks after the operation? Has the missus left ya yet?”

Another thing that pisses off about some people are the ones that I call garblers… Garblers are people that use four hundred bloody words where one will do, and in doing so they get lost in their own bullshit… for example… “yeah, I went the cinema right… know what I mean… like” and it leaves me thinking deliberate and well aimed responses like “urm… shit it’s difficult… but I’m getting it!” I aint deliberately sardonic or sarcastic, but people’s poor use of English provokes me into being a complete asshole… well that’s my excuse anyway… when I’m an asshole it’s everyone’s fault except my own.

One of my favorite words in the whole world is the word “fuck”… not because it’s a swear word or even because it denotes my favorite pass time. I love the word mainly because of it’s versatility and that it can used in any sentence, in any combination and with any word… for those who have never seen the history of the word “fuck”… I’ll explain…

Fuck is the only word in the whole dictionary that can describe pain, pleasure, love, hate and lust. Fuck mainly is used as a transitive verb “Simon fucked Natalie!” or as an intransitive verb “Natalie fucks!”

It’s meaning aint always sexual, it can be used as an adjective such as “Simon’s doing all the fucking work!” or as part of an adverb “Natalie talks to fucking much!”… it can also be an adverb enhancing an adjective “Natalie is fucking sexy!”… as a noun “I don’t give a fuck!”… as part of a word “abso-fucking-lutly!” or as every word in the sentence “fuck the fucking fuckers!”

The word fuck also has amazing versatility, for example it can describe…

Fraud “I got fucked at the boot sale!"
Dismay “aw fuck it!”
Trouble… “I guess I’m really fucked now!”
Aggression… “Don’t fuck with me, Buddy!”
Difficulty… “I don’t understand this fucking question!”
Inquiry… “Who the fuck was that?”
Dissatisfaction… “I don’t like whats fucking going on here!”
Incompetence… “he’s a fuckwit!”
Dismissal… “why don’t you go and play a game of hide and go fuck yourself!”

Swear words as you can see from this blog’s many posts are used rapturously to enhance feeling or add comedy to an otherwise boring statement….English as it stands is not only the most used language in the world, but it’s I dare say the most mutated and misused as not a single person that speaks it actually speaks it properly… except perhaps the totally awesome Stephen Fry!