One of the disadvantages of an upbringing solely dominated by a wonderful mum, Nan and neurotic auntie is the bullshit they feed you about life as you grow up. I remember yarns about finding a good decent girl, settling down and having a wonderful life of love, loyalty and happiness.

The first thing as guys your taught is to find yourself a good girl with the morals of a nun, someone to take care of you and look after you through the digs and jabs of a life dominated by testosterone and the loyal psychotic appendage that sits in your boxers.

Now after dating, drunken one night stands, stoned fuck buddies and countless relationships with women that have been as satisfying as eating a walnut after three weeks of starvation do I know the truth. I have vowed to tell my boys (if I have boys) the unpleasant truth from the start, secretly if I must beyond the ears of their lucky mother if I have to… I want my children to be happy and to milk life of every experience they can before they inevitably snuff it off the mortal coil of a boring life.

The objectionable truth is that nice girls are as boring as daytime television and the only way they are gonna get any kind of sexual fulfillment is if they find a chick that’s had more stabs than a heroin addict. Nice girls are a total fucking nightmare, waiting weeks for sex at a time is no fun in the slightest and considering its something both partners are supposed to enjoy it ends up giving us guys the feeling that she would rather strap a firework to her face than get giggedy giggedy goo in the sack.

It’s not only the upbringing that tells you this bull either, religion is another demon of forcing you to live a long healthy life of woman less and soulless fun. The Extreme Muslim faith is another banal contender of stabbing the eyes of exuberance, I’m sure you’ve all heard the theory of sacrifice in the name of God gives you a substantial amount of virgins in heaven… I mean seriously… why would you do that… the fact that these fucking idiot girls managed to die virgins in the first place means that they are either four years old or that the fuckers are too tight to dish it out in the first place, so why the fucking hell would you want to spend the rest of eternity with them?

To be hoodwinked by a religion promising such a nightmare of non sex in the first place means that these extremists get what they fucking deserve anyway. Suicide bombing in itself is as bright as trying to fuck a light socket nevertheless, who says they wont end up going to heaven as just a brain in a jar while their cock rots hanging from a tree in Iraq? If heaven is full of virgins anyway then I’ll take the express elevator to hell at any rate, I’ll say with great pride to God

“look sorry mate, it sounds okay an all that… but playing harps and sitting with Take That fans aint really my thing… so give Satan a ring and tell him to put the kettle on for me!”

Now days when I’m dating I’m only interested in shit spewing bitches with a whole line of ex boyfriends and a ton of filthy references, sex is the only thing that one… I’m good at… and two… it’s the only thing I’m ready to do 24-7. So surly its in my best interests to have a girl that’s totally indecent, raucously good in bed and one that puts out like twice a week at least.

Has anyone here been out with a virgin? For those of you that aint had the pleasure I’ll fill you in on what your luckily missing. For a start they are emotionally high maintenance, you forever treading on eggshells and your forever failing to get anywhere near bare flesh, and the older they are the bloody worse they are.

Okay so you’ve spent a year of giving her your coat while in monsoons, opening the car door for the lazy shite and buying her everything shes ever wanted and she’s decided “she’s ready”… so what then… fucking run like hell. I once gave a girl a condom to put on me, it’s always a hundred times better if she does it and it’s much less of a passion killer. She opens it and unrolls the bloody thing before my John Thomas is even out in the fresh air, I watched in pure amazement as she tried stuffing my pecker in it like she was putting her arm through her jumper sleeve.

The deed itself was a pure fucking disaster from the word go, imagine trying to fuck a plug hole and that’s pretty much it spot on. I gave up on her that day, virgins over the age of 20 have totally no desire to learn… if you try to give them advice they act like you’ve just slapped their ass with a damp towel.

Trust me guys… if you wanna get on in life and be happy… find yourself a fire breathing, venom spitting whore, you’ll be a lot happier.

More than half a million Poles have entered the UK since we stupidly joined the EU in 2004. In fact I remember the build up leading up to one of Labour's biggest and monumental cock ups since the Millennium Dome. Now I don't normally do politics, but this topic for me is why half my friends are begging to some nob cheesed socially retarded stuck up cunt every two weeks for a few pennies that they claim is Jobseekers allowance.

I didn't want to join the EU, I don't hide it and never claimed otherwise because the one thing that this country used to be great for and that was it's freedom of speech. But now it's all gone crazy, I can't fart in English now in case it offends a Muslim or insults a Kosovan. In 2002 I got a EU questionnaire which claimed to give me my shout and get this "my say" on whether or not we go into the EU. So I filled the form out basically saying I would rather have my bollocks sewn to a prize winning greyhound ten seconds before a big race, and everyone I knew did the same... and I mean EVERYONE!

A year later it was decided by Tony Cockend Blair that we were going into the EU based on the public wanting us to do so. How was this possible? Everyone I knew was dead against the idea and all my new friends now are still spitting teeth over it... how did they come to the conclusion that it's what we wanted? It's all communist bullshit and I for one don't vote for any fucker on voting day, they can knock on my door door as much as they like with their smarmy smiles and their posh banners. It don't work for the Jehovanobs on Sundays so it won't work for them either.

Basically what the government didn't realise that this once great country's equilibrium was to suddenly get unbalanced to ludicrous proportions. Finding a job was never easy, even before the EU but it was possible, but a month or so on the doll and you had a job. Now there are true Britons on the rock n roll for months on end, some even years. The balance of life is is that your born, you work and you die... the available jobs generally is enough to cater for the work force of an entire country because that's how it is... it's called balance.

What the cock munching politicians have basically done is opened the flood gates letting loads of monkeys in that are willing to work for less than the British, and every company out there sees a profit and thinks that true British people are just too plain expensive to employ. Take Dyson for example, he shifted his whole vacuum empire to a country that eats cats, dogs, sparrows, spending their whole day driving around on second hand mopeds... why? To make even more money! But now companies don't need to do that, they stay in the UK but hire the Polish instead.

My opinion is that we need to get all these blood sucking vampire dumpling eaters out, it's not a racist slur, I have nothing against them in the slightest. But if our country is to survive this depression that we are in because of the recession, it's only fair that some sort balanced is restored. Our country is dying because they are earning the money and sending it home, if their cash is not being spent in this country then its being syphoned out of the system... and the last time I looked that was called money laundering... or am I wrong?

Fight for Britain... get our asses out of the EU before end up the subject of World Wide Appeal, or some half arsed American Liveaid showing videos of our children covered in flies and begging for rice, our women walking the streets with jugs on their heads and the poor Beckhams are forced to live on just two million quid a week... tragic! . You may laugh, but in a hundred years time moving at our present state and we are gonna be quite literally... fucked!

Scott