I was bit of a late bloomer at school and I aint sure why but women never really interested me that much and chasing them like all the other boys did weren’t really my thing. I got my student kicks out of acts of emotional terrorism towards the teachers and back then, pissing the teachers off often resulted in some serious physical abuse which I must say entertained me.

There was one girl who I did like called Tracey and we “hung out” quite a lot and inevitably I got a hard on every time I saw her. One day I remember thinking “yeah!… this is the one I want to get my brown wings with“ and from that day on it became my mission in life. We were already kissing and feeling each other up and stuff but the school boy testosterone was beginning to take over and it was time to give the first Scottie implant.

Luckily for me she was up for it too and one bleak and miserable evening I was round hers playing on the Spectrum and things heated up somewhat. Now you know when it’s sex time, it’s like a second sense us guys have when we are getting it on and it doesn’t matter how good the fore play is we instinctively know if it’s gonna head to the deed. Well this was one of them times and I was ready, she was ready and the condoms I nicked out of my dads drawer were definitely ready.

So there we were getting it on in a bedroom covered in more cuddly toys than a coconut throwing stall at a Pikey fair. Vast pink walls plastered with some rather off-putting posters of Bros, Michael Jackson and Rick Astley staring down at me. Despite our mute audience of celebrity gayness the fire in the bed was raging out of control and it was time to sink the submarine for the very first time and boy did it go in with a whollop.

So there we were screwing away with all the grace of a penguin ice skating and life was good, today was the day I would become a man. I was banging away for all of thirty seconds and it was time for me to leave the deposit in a strangely unfazed and confused looking girl, but because I didn’t know any better I thought it was basically normal.

So without going into vulgar details I gave her the fattest cream pie and stood up to view my first sexual master piece. Now I weren’t a sex expert but I had watched enough Peter North porn to know that moocow’s dribble when you’ve poked em in the eye, but this one was as dry as a bone and to say I was confused was an understatement.

“Did you enjoy that?” she said calmly as she pulled the wet semen soaked pillow from under her ass. She burst into fits of laughter and I wanted the damn floor to open up and swallow me in an embarrassment, only over shadowed by my serious stupidness and uselessness.. I had shamefully lost my virginity to stupid pillow case that had a big embossed picture of Michael Jackson on it and the shame was unbearable.

From that day on me and Tracey were good mates and it’s remained a secret that every now and then puts a smile on my face, but only because we had a rematch ten years later proving myself with a grade A performance. Something tells me if I hadn’t had the chance of a replay I would have had a phobia of pillow cases for a very long time.

And I never got my brown wings either… dammit!


  1. Anonymous // 1 June 2009 at 11:01  

    Ha, great story.