When it comes to women I am incredibly fussy yet at the same time I have no fucking standards what so ever, despite that mere sentence being a vast contradiction in itself it’s also as accurate as I can get it. A woman can be forty fucking stone with more beard than Noel Edmunds and I’ll still rag it if she had a perfect pair of trotters, yet at the same time I don’t worship feet or go giggedy giggedy goo at the sight of bare feet.

It’s really odd on the premise that a decent set of walkers is important to me yet at the same time bares no sexual preference or indifference to my sex life. So what the fuck is going on in my head to be so stringent on the one body part that’s most neglected and most loathed by women?

Foot fetishism, foot partialism, foot worship, or podophilia is a pronounced sexual interest in feet. It is the most common form of sexual preference for otherwise non-sexual objects or body parts. So that being said how comes I don’t fall into that category but yet if a woman has manky feet despite how well toned, sexy and gorgeous the rest of her body is, I would run a mile in just under thirty seconds.

Part of me has been thinking about this my whole life and I have kicked myself on many occasions where I have blown out top quality looking women because she has feet like a walrus with athlete’s foot. I have only come up with half a possible reason yet bizarrely I can’t say to myself yeah that’s right, spot on son… because I really don’t know.

What I came up with is that maybe if a woman looks after their feet that it means they look after the rest of their body ten times over, therefore it being a sub conscious test of female hygiene. Put simply if a woman trims back them awful razor nails and takes the time out to paint them that it means that the chances of her having a good clean asshole is pretty much a dead cert.

Another one of my pet hates is women that don’t cut their toe nails, again this aint sexual and in my mind it’s completely justifiable. There’s nothing worse than lying in bed with a girl with major talons big enough to snatch mice from a field, I absolutely find it disgusting and hurts. Being 6 foot plus most women are normally half my size so when they cuddle up and sleep, their nasty nails rip the shit out of anything below the knee and I have scars to prove it.

Now this is where it gets confusing, they can’t where socks because I find a good pair of feet sexually attractive… I know you’re confused and trust me so am I but the thing is I don’t worship feet as described by the term “foot fetishism”… I just find them attractive and at times if they look just right they can get a girl bent over and topped up. Now you know why I’m confused as to the nature of this foot curse… If I had a proper fetish I would be happy because I can categorise myself accordingly, but as it is I’m stuck within an odd limbo where I aint got a tube a glue as to what’s going on with the foot thing.

There has been the odd occasion where my bizarre foot craziness has done me good, take Sarah for example. When I first met her she was shy at first but turned into a proper trappy bastard, she literally would kill any woman that so much as spat in my direction and she was bossy from day one and she really was not my type at all… but she has an absolute cracking pair of cute feet and I started seeing her purely based on that and within a very short space of time I was in love with her and now I cant imagine my life without her… so that said if I didn’t have a weird foot thingy I would never have found love.

I guess I will never know what the hell is going on as far as women and their feet go, but despite all the people I have turned down for manky trotter syndrome I can actually thank my affliction for securing me the little cute gobby bastard that I love dearly.