One thing that really twists my sack are the pits of despair and revulsion of the supermarket. Being quite clued up on the mentality of the chain of thought within people I can see the supermarket’s attempts on controlling us and when it comes to getting brain washed by them… trust me… I fall for it just as much as you do and this one particular time I was manipulated so bad a packet of bacon cost me twenty quid.

When I lived in the hell of Brocklesmead I was lucky to a certain extent because I literally had everything I needed on my doorstep, including a supermarket. So one day after a particular potent smoking session I had the fattest munchies and went to make a sandwich but when I went to the kitchen all I had was bread, so off I trotted to the supermarket dreaming about a bacon sarnie… which was all I wanted.

So I stroll into the supermarket and headed for the bacon and as sure as a bear shitting in the woods there was the bacon and I was happy. But then they start fucking with me because right next to that are the sausages, so I’m thinking ok cool, a bacon and sausage sandwich sounds good but it’s missing something… eggs! so off I doodle and get some eggs, then not soon after I’ve got a fucking basket and I’m filling the bastard up with beans, frozen ships, pigs in blankets, black pudding and the bloody basket is getting bigger and bigger until I’ve pretty much got everything I need to fill my arteries up with globules of fat and kill me with cholesterol.

Another thing that grips me is the way they manipulate your shopping routines, in effect forcing you to buy shit that aint on your shopping list. When you go to the same shop time and time again you learn where everything is therefore shopping becomes quick and simple. Well these cunts don’t like that so what they do is move all the bastard shit around so that you spend hours looking for what you bloody want and you find yourself in parts of the bloody country that you didn’t even know existed and in the process your filling your basket up with shit that aint even on your damn list.

Another thing I hate is why they can’t give you a fucking plastic bag that you can open with minimum effort, whether it be the big bags at the checkout or the little bags you use to buy a single bloody onion. You end up licking your fingers and looking a total Pratt for hours as you try to find the end with the opening in. I find myself watching people and laughing as they fight to get the bags open as the cashier is throwing packets of ham and bottles of milk down the belt at them, and the poor sod fighting with the bags ends up having a nervous breakdown as cashier relentlessly launches more and more items down the runway with an angry queue behind her all tapping their feet and spitting at her as she struggles with the bags.

What is it with women that have to pay the exact amount with the right change? Sarah is one of the worst for this and really bothers me no end because those few extra minutes she spends rustling through her purse with a million bloody pockets in could be better spent escaping out of the supermarket and back to reality. She’ll rustle through tons of change and old receipts from two years ago, pulling out gym membership cards and coupons trying to find the mysterious penny that she knows is in there somewhere. I’m pointing to a bloody twenty pound note that she has safely ensconced in the front of her purse that’s more than enough to pay and she starts moaning that she don’t want anymore change… I mean fuck… the giving away of the change is what she loves the most so why not get some more back for next time?

You know those special cashier areas that are especially for people with ten items or less? How many of you have stood there policing the rule? I’m always sodding doing it! I stand there sneakily counting the other customers baskets of shit, throwing daggers at anyone that has one item more than they should and proper getting pissed off by it. I really do get annoyed and I can feel my collar burning as the cheek of a little old lady as she tries to cheat me by squeezing through with eleven items.

I just guess I’m not cut out for shopping, these days Sarah leaves me behind, but one things for sure… I might start shopping online in future.