The film is best described up as a preposterously exhilarating adventure, bent towards complete and utter madness. The C-grade romance feels like it‘s as stable as Eeyore‘s tail, while everything else is flawlessly Michael Bay. It's really hard to accurately describe this film without taking into account the type of audience and hardcore nerds who are going to be seeing this.

There are those diehard Transformer fans (like myself) who will still believe that the original 80s cartoon series is better. And if that's the case, then forty foot Autobots firing rail guns possibly isn't your thing. But casual fans of the original are probably going to love it.

Then there are those who are going just see Megan Fox running around in slow motion every two minutes and to be honest it got on my nerves a bit… if I want to see tits I’ll look up my Firefox favourites list where I have access to the best porn on the web… I’m watching this film to see big mother fucking robots killing each other… nothing else.

The script, if you could call it that, takes a backseat to the huge array of new robots in this film, as director Bay turns up the action quotient up as high as mentally possible. More robot characters from the original cartoon series turn up, there’s a pleasant homage to the original Transformers film of 1984 and of course, there is no shortage of visual eye candy: the CGI rendering is a big step-up from the last film and it seamlessly blends from one shot to another.

The vehicles are starting to look a little crap in the second film. Nobody expected miracles with these fine products of American manufacturing, but the recent restructuring is going to make some of the autobots wish they originally landed in Italy or Germany. There are some massively more powerful cars out there; it really wouldn’t have hurt to throw in a Dodge Viper, Aston Martin or even a BMW.

We actually started to feel bad for the autobots. Design styling certainly wasn't their strong point and something tells me this film is merely plugging the great American Manafacturing giants that probably paid a nice little back hander towards the movies 200 million pound budget… I’m surprised Tesco didn’t get in on the act with transforming shopping trolly voiced by Bob Hoskins… “Every little helps!”

The bass roars, the explosions are ear piercing and half of Egypt ends up flattened by the end. Strangely the film’s over the fucking top sound reminds me of the Dark Knight, for those of you who watched the fabulous new Batman film in the cinema you may have noticed that the sound was a little unbalanced with the explosions cranked up and the dialogue as silent as a mouse farting. In fact, barely a moment goes by when something isn't blowing up, smashed apart or hacked into tiny robot pieces. And hardly a nanosecond passes when the hero Sam (played by Shia LaBeouf) isn't shouting, puffing or running away from something shooting at him.

Despite being a hardcore fan of the original’s back in the 80’s I do disagree with all the retro nerds fuss about the constipated robot fodders new look. If they kept the robots original look they would look absolutely shit by today’s standards and let’s face it they looked like welded breeze blocks half the time, so to me they look pretty good now.

Another thing the internet bozos are stropping about is the fact that the robots don’t transform into the vehicles they are supposed to… I mean really… who gives a fuck? Optimus Prime turns into a truck and Starscream turns into a fighter plane… the two pivotal characters they have got right so who gives a flying fuck about the rest? They could do with a make over anyway; it’s 2009 for Christ’s sake… not 1984!

New to the Deception Line up is Isabel Lucas who does a half decent job playing a sexy Decepticon Pretender with the ability to morph into a college-aged femme fatale. Now this is a brave step if not a very obvious one, Megan Fox was sexy in the first one but she’s more irritating in this one because she aint actually needed to make the film good… bizarrely she is in slow motion and sweaty for most of it and call me boring but I look at sweat and think beef and onion pie, wet armpits and fanny that smells like a fisherman's tackle box. Isabel Lucas has been stuffed in here purely to attract guys (and some girls) that don’t like the over rated Megan Fox!

However, if Transformers could disguise themselves as sexy humanoids, it makes you wonder why didn't try that trick in the first place to “disguise“ themselves. It's one of those scriptwriter moments where the writers cock gets the better of him and says...

"Hey guys, let's makes one of the bad robot thingies turn into a hot chick. Brilliant!"
Speaking of screenwriting nonsense, most of the film could have done without the incessant back story.
Memo to Screenwriters: We understand you want this to feel huge and epic. We get it. We know you wanted to kill Optimus to make us feel sad and behave like eight year olds as though its 1984 all over again. And we know you want us to weep like babies when Sam is shot and killed, only to be shortly returned to life by a bunch of Transformer deities in some form of meandering Obi Wan mentor sequence.

But we don't need to be told over and over again how somebody stole the Matrix key or that Optimus is the very last of the Primes (which is bullshit… Rodimus Prime came after him… oh shit I really am a loser) or that so and so is the only way out and hope for survival. We heard it the first time. It's not a Bond film; and you aren't Blofield telling us your evil plans. Although it felt like it at times, with its endless narration on the history and existence of transformers.

So… what do I think of it? It’s a great film, but I’m heavily biased because I like robots, I like killing and I like hot chicks. This film aint gonna win any Oscars but it’s still got two and a half hours of adrenalin and it’s worth watching just to get your senses blown away.

I’m happy that I have successfully managed my first film review in my life without making any cash and plugging it shamelessly… hurrah… man am I gifted or what!