Having worked with some proper cases of supreme lunacy at the hospital, it’s very rare that I’m surprised by any kind of lacklustre and banal behavior of any human being. I’ve baby sat dementia patients, druggies, drunks, psychotic murdering teenage girls and even Jade Goody at one point. But nothing compares to the lunacy of the Michael Jackson fan.

Now I don’t mind the fact they support him through thick and thin, I remember being a fan of Ted Bundy at one point and I actually met a guy at the hospital who thought he was Ed Gien… But Michael Jackson? Why? Okay I agree that his earlier music such as Billy Jean, Thriller and that particular era are great classic hits, but why follow him all the way to god knows where to offer the support at a trial he’s most probably rigged anyway?

Now most of his fans claim that it’s only because his famous that he gets “picked on” by the media dogs and money hungry parents, now that to me is bullshit… When your famous and rich, you get caught with Class A drugs in your kitchen and Class B drugs in the bathroom… this fucker got caught with Class 4C in his bedroom and when he got fingerprinted it was probably the first time his fingers looked black in nearly 20 years.

Another thing that shocks me is that you even get Michael Jackson impersonators, this is odd to me simply because in this country we will never see a Gary Glitter impersonator ever again… so why is it right that you get someone impersonating this old plastic kiddie fiddling schnauzer. Surly it could be seen as bad taste or even sad in some circles, I think impersonators should all be stretched over a barrel and horse whipped with cable flex anyway for having a talent and using it to copy someone else.

But the bizarre thing is their unflinching loyalty to their weird idol… here is a man that has diary full of boys with the combined age of a play station 3, he’s been nicked more times than George Michael taking a piss and yet these bizarre creatures stand by him all the way claiming he‘s innocent… Why?

Another thing that makes my teeth itch are his kids, he’s turned his kids into bizarre and creepy clones of himself, shrouding them in silly masks to keep their identities secret from the big nasty world. Right, firstly who gives a fuck what the poor little weirdo’s look like, I don’t even know their bloody names. All I know is that he’s paid some nurse to have his kids so people think he likes women, and I still don’t believe it for a sodding second. And this may sound a bit harsh but he aint the best person to rear a child despite how well he apparently does it, so the prosecution evidently claimed.

Some of these fans even claim that they would trust their children in this oddballs hands, I mean seriously… who in their right mind would let a man suspected of norking children in a sleep over look after their own children. It would be like asking Cruella Deville to look after your Dalmatians while you pop to the shop and buy some sulphuric acid for your kids to play with.

How do we know Michael is guilty? Several children have fingered him.

Back in the days of no internet guys used to have an unwritten bonding ritual that was porn swapping. The idea was that we used to raid our parents bedroom for any suspiciously blank labelled video cassettes in the hope that they were secretly hording a stash of porn, but unluckily for us our Dad was as boring and as righteous as a strip of garden decking.

He bizarrely tried to convince us that porn created rapists and sexual deviants; yet unbeknown to him at the time of his rather grand speech, we already had our own collection that we were swapping with other kids and their parents.

By today’s standards the smut was pathetically pitiable, with cheesy story lines and plots as shallow as a walnuts’ swimming pool. But that was the most appealing thing about it because it meant every now and then someone would always come along with a better one, and once copied we could use it as a bargaining chip to get a whole heap of more smut from everyone else.

One of the things our group could always be proud of was the fact that we used to travel to London specifically to buy our smut; our titles were always up to date with the latest stars and hardest scenes. This always gave us the edge because when a newbie joined our group with their cum stained videos we knew ours were always better. This was ideal for us because we used to run copies off and sell them for fifty quid a throw making us more cash than a drug dealer.

Then the internet came and ruined our rather fruitful business of our smut dealership, and we were a mixture of pleased and pissed at the same time. We were pissed that we lost out on so much money, yet pleased that smut was to go through such a dramatically awesome change for the better. Suddenly all the plots and cheesy soundtracks vanished and all the stars suddenly went from making love to hardcore slap happy bitches.

Now the grot seems to be about MILF’s getting rooted by gargantuan pensioners legs, teen whores that can shove a dick the size of a baby’s fore arm where the sun don’t shine and pretty faces getting a chin omelette from a group of desperate faceless men. The word hardcore doesn’t even fit smut these days, a chick with two kidney crackers in her butt is part of standard run of the mill filth… so what does the future hold for smut? How can it get any better? I don’t know for sure but I for can’t wait to see it.

The thing is with smut these days thats also good is that the production companies that knock it out normally cater for a wide selection of erm ... tastes I do believe the word is. Back when we was knocking the grot out you got a VHS and it was pot luck what you got on it, it weren't deliberate but thats how it was, a kind of blind date with your crap VHS. Most of the companies these days though do tend to hire the usual typical bimbo kinda chick which is okay if they are new to biz and you like that sort of thing, but hows about some fat chicks? Not overly fat but normal like... or is it just me?

Some say the internet was created for smut… but I think very differently… I say the smut was created for us… or more precisely… ME!