When you break your life down to specific moments what you get are very unique moments of memories that you will never forget, milestones of time that helped create what you are today… turning points if you will. You won’t remember them all obviously but the really good ones will never leave your memory and some may even taunt you for the rest of your life where as some will most definitely haunt you without remorse.

I was sitting watching Frasier last night pondering as to my next post and it dawned on me that despite you all knowing me on humor aspect, nobody knows what created the miserable moody git you are following loyally… in this post you get a brief run down of the memories I have and be honored… this is the first time I’ve shared most of them… here are the first three of nine… are we sitting comfortably?

My First Psychological achievement…

I and my friends used to hang around in the park at Latton Bush getting absolutely rat assed every Friday night like clockwork and the one good thing about this town was the fact everyone else was pretty much doing the same. I remember us meeting up with a group of girls we didn’t know and we drunkenly tried chatting them up as well as a fourteen year old can possibly do, with all my efforts focused on a girl called Nicole… I watched and suffered as all my best lines bounced from her shield of amour and she was really playing hard to get.

Now I was quite savvy back then and having a degree in psychology now I can look back at and think fuck me I was good. Nicole basically spurned my advances a second time and I walked away with a battered ego but being nice about it… I simply said

“okay no problem… I’m going back to the others… I’ll talk to you later.”

and the funniest thing was I actually meant it and I rejoined the group.

Ten minutes later she sends her mate over and her tackily under dressed comrade gives me a bollocking for upsetting her. Basically cutting out the shit… by girl law I was supposed to flatter her with loads of attention all night and keep trying it on with her because the reward was to come later when she was a bit more drunk. What I had done was turned the girl’s rules on their head and she didn’t like it and from that moment on I realized what fun it was manipulating peoples minds for my own entertainment and gains. Nicole was the reason I sat psychology and she was also the reason my middle finger smelt of crab sticks and was covered in moisture wrinkles when I went home.

My first C word…

I was at school and sitting with a bunch of over riled kids, I myself must have been about eight or maybe nine when Dean, the trappiest of the group called me a Cunt! I wasn’t phased in the least and to me then it was just a normal word, and what a fantastic word it was too, CUNT! I was saying it all day in the playground and I was proper pleased that I had learnt something totally new and I couldn’t wait to take my new favourite word home with me.

That evening I sat and watched M.A.S.H with my dysfunctional brethren, my dad playing with his vulgar jungle of nostril hair whilst rocking in a silly rocking chair that he was so proud of. My new word begging to be used and I was looking for the right moment to proudly use it and show my parents that I really get on well at school. "CUNT!" I said sharply and proudly at the dog as he farted a silent biological gas that only a dog can do and get away with acting surprised.

I remember it all going into slow motion and the father sprang to his feet dragging me to the bedroom whacking me with the dreaded bath brush… I remember sitting there for hours of solitude with a sore ass, head and back wondering what had happened. The next day at school though was good, because I made up for it by learning a new word to impress them… the word FUCK! I couldn’t wait…

End of a tyranny…

You know that scene in Return of the Jedi where they destroy the Death Star, the Emperor gets bunged down an intergalactic plug hole and Darth Vader snuffs it at the hands of his own son… well you know that celebration they have at the end with all the Ewoks and the parties all across the galaxy… that’s exactly what it was like when our Father fucked of and left us after a chain of events that changed our lives for the better.

The abuse of a drunken fuckarse was finally at an end and it felt good, mum moved in with her great new boyfriend and my brothers along with myself were left to develop our personalities as we saw fit. The world was a better place for us and no more being beaten with a bath brush, no more drunken abuse and relentless bullying towards me, no more abuse towards my poor mum… I was very proud of her the day she ended it and despite us having a few teething problems at the start with her new fella we eventually became proud of him too, he makes our mum happy and he’s a good man… our old man was that bad that my baby brothers even tried suffocating our father as he slept off a drunken state of alcohol induced evil, and boy did I get pay for that despite not even being there at the time.

As most of you probably learnt in primary school life is all about natural selection, survival of the fittest and more importantly the food chain. For those who don’t know what the food chain is the chances are you can’t use a PC anyway, but if you’ve been lucky enough to stumble upon this site out of button bashing and blind searching then I’ll explain.

The food chain works on the sole rule that there’s always a bigger fish. The easiest way to think about it is think of it as a ladder, every step of the ladder has a different creature that is food the one above it… For example you have rodents on the bottom, sniffing around minding their own business then WOLLOP, snatched by an Eagle or Buzzard and scoffed, the Eagle and buzzard will be on the next step up. That’s how the food chain works, and that’s how life is. We humans are pretty close to the top as we pretty much butcher and eat anything. Above us are things like sharks, crocodiles, alligators and John Prescott.

Food is an important way of life for me because I’ve been dieting for three weeks and can think of nothing else, I’ve sampled in the last three years delights of many sorts… huge greasy mixed grills, cheese on toast as a daily lunch time ritual accompanied by crisps and chocolate muffins ect. As a result I ballooned to a whopping twenty three stones, and it caused me a whole heap of trouble.

I’ve had sleepless nights of un comfort as every position I laid in I ended up laying on another belly I didn’t even know I had, all my clothes ripping and straining as I tried to squeeze two buses into the ass of a pair of jeans as well as health issues I aint going to mention. But the most important issue that upset me the most was the fact my girlfriend admitted she just didn’t find me attractive anymore and I was devastated.

Knowing this I decided to lose the weight and I succeeded, I lost two stone in three weeks just by cutting back and being a good boy. All is now rosy and my clothes look good again and more importantly the girlfriend now finds me attractive again, more so now than ever and to be honest I’m finding it hard to keep up with her. Don’t get me wrong I’m as happy as a guy that thought a cat that had shit on his pie but it turned out to be an extra large blackberry, but I can’t help feeling that I’ve been cheated in some way.

Why is it that women rule the bedroom? Why do they decide when we have sex? Why do they tell us when we are fat and un attractive? Have any of you guys ever told a girlfriend that they are too fat to find attractive? Trust me, for those of you that haven’t your doing bloody well at making your life simple because I tell you now relationships are all about confusion and double standards.

To tell a girlfriend she is fat or that she could do with losing a couple of stone is like putting your cock in a blender a night before your honeymoon. Luckily for me I love my ladies big with a bit of meat, but I have my limits, my ex was lovely when she was big but inevitably she piled on the pounds and it got to the stage where every time she bent over she had more burger in her knickers than I had sausage so the all day breakfast eventually went sour.

But getting back on subject I was so heart broken at the missus not finding me attractive any more it got me thinking, what gives a woman the right to judge a guy when if the tables were reversed it would be a total crime against humanity as we know it. I told my ex she was too fat, she told me at the start of the relationship that if we didn’t find each other attractive anymore we would be honest and grown up about it… and she was… she denied me sex, went anorexic, lost a shit load of weight and started fucking my mate.

The bottom line is guys is you have to do as you’re told and not do as she does. If she puts weight on you gotta deal with it because insulting a woman’s weight in mental abuse. If you put weight on and she has to sleep with you that’s physical abuse to her. If she goes off you then it’s your fault for eating too many cakes, if you go off her then you’re a man that doesn’t deserve her in the first place. If you cheat on her then you’re a dirty hound dog that needs hanging from the nearest tree, if she cheats on you then it’s your fault for not showing her enough attention. If she don’t find you attractive anymore then its your own fault for letting yourself go and eating sausage and mash for breakfast, if you don’t find her attractive then you’re a shallow waste of space in the middle of a mid life crisis. You can’t win fellas so don’t even try to.

Back to the food chain thing and with a few re adjustments you see our rightful place, we men are under women and that will never change.

Scott