Being me is never easy and the one thing I want in life is an easy life, it’s not that I’m lazy or anything like that… I’m talking about women. Poor Sarah had no idea what she let herself in for the day she asked me out because I do get my fair share of admirers and normally they are either unhinged in some way or just blatant horrid pond life. This month I’m involved in a complicated three way game of death between my girlfriend, my best friend and her friend the crazy lesbian.

This week Sarah has had the misfortune of meeting Kerry, actually it’s okay they get on great and no doubt they will end up good friends. There’s only one tiny problem… Kerry is hell bent on getting me and Sarah into a sleazy three in a bed romp along with a scary collection of rubber cocks and industrial vibrators capable of hitting at least an eight on the Richter scale.

It’s all very well and good and I can hear you guys shouting at me from here, but Kerry is like a totally obsessed sex fanatic and self proclaimed expert. She makes wads of cash in the States on “business holidays” with her husband and EX mate of mine, Steve… making PORN! So the idea of jumping into bed with a woman that knows more tricks than Paul Daniels with a copy of Playboy TERRIFIES me. Plus to add the fact that this bird has had some seriously big cock too is even more intimidating because I’ve only got half an inch and a dozen wrinkles and that’s in the warm weather.

Kerry at the end of the day is my mate and has been for nearly twelve years, she’s trained me on all forms of sexual tricks ranging from oral sex, dildo action and even kissing so I’m eternally grateful as is the permanently happy girlfriend… the only problem is that now after all these years of sexual training Kerry has decided it’s time for my one on one exam and Sarah is about as pleased as John Prescott with an empty fridge.

Now as if matters aint difficult enough there is Candice, this vile ex lesbian and bisexual monster of ego and slaggism has the disability of not being able to shut her legs properly. She has been a pain in my ass for almost as long as I’ve known Kerry and she shows no sign of letting me live an easy life either.

Basically the problem is I’m the only guy that’s ever said no to her, I aint gay or nothing it’s just that one… I like my girls bigger than her, two… she’s got the mankiest feet I’ve ever seen (which is very important) and three… she has the attitude of a schizophrenic seagull on a diet of steroids… so her chances are below zero anyway.

Now Candice is good friends with Kerry and Candice has told Kerry that she will seduce and fuck me under any means necessary… so Kerry being Kerry has told Sarah, and Sarah being Sarah is now shopping in Homebase for the biggest fucking chainsaw she can find so she can perform the worlds messiest and most painful vivisection.

Sarah is taking it all very well I must say, she knows I don’t encourage it any way whatsoever and I’m sure if she thought there was a problem I would have woke up without a cock ages ago. But my life is always complicated and it’s always either lack of money or too many women trying it on with me… why cant it be too much money and lack of women… now that’s an easy life.

As most of you probably learnt in primary school life is all about natural selection, survival of the fittest and more importantly the food chain. For those who don’t know what the food chain is the chances are you can’t use a PC anyway, but if you’ve been lucky enough to stumble upon this site out of button bashing and blind searching then I’ll explain.

The food chain works on the sole rule that there’s always a bigger fish. The easiest way to think about it is think of it as a ladder, every step of the ladder has a different creature that is food the one above it… For example you have rodents on the bottom, sniffing around minding their own business then WOLLOP, snatched by an Eagle or Buzzard and scoffed, the Eagle and buzzard will be on the next step up. That’s how the food chain works, and that’s how life is. We humans are pretty close to the top as we pretty much butcher and eat anything. Above us are things like sharks, crocodiles, alligators and John Prescott.

Food is an important way of life for me because I’ve been dieting for three weeks and can think of nothing else, I’ve sampled in the last three years delights of many sorts… huge greasy mixed grills, cheese on toast as a daily lunch time ritual accompanied by crisps and chocolate muffins ect. As a result I ballooned to a whopping twenty three stones, and it caused me a whole heap of trouble.

I’ve had sleepless nights of un comfort as every position I laid in I ended up laying on another belly I didn’t even know I had, all my clothes ripping and straining as I tried to squeeze two buses into the ass of a pair of jeans as well as health issues I aint going to mention. But the most important issue that upset me the most was the fact my girlfriend admitted she just didn’t find me attractive anymore and I was devastated.

Knowing this I decided to lose the weight and I succeeded, I lost two stone in three weeks just by cutting back and being a good boy. All is now rosy and my clothes look good again and more importantly the girlfriend now finds me attractive again, more so now than ever and to be honest I’m finding it hard to keep up with her. Don’t get me wrong I’m as happy as a guy that thought a cat that had shit on his pie but it turned out to be an extra large blackberry, but I can’t help feeling that I’ve been cheated in some way.

Why is it that women rule the bedroom? Why do they decide when we have sex? Why do they tell us when we are fat and un attractive? Have any of you guys ever told a girlfriend that they are too fat to find attractive? Trust me, for those of you that haven’t your doing bloody well at making your life simple because I tell you now relationships are all about confusion and double standards.

To tell a girlfriend she is fat or that she could do with losing a couple of stone is like putting your cock in a blender a night before your honeymoon. Luckily for me I love my ladies big with a bit of meat, but I have my limits, my ex was lovely when she was big but inevitably she piled on the pounds and it got to the stage where every time she bent over she had more burger in her knickers than I had sausage so the all day breakfast eventually went sour.

But getting back on subject I was so heart broken at the missus not finding me attractive any more it got me thinking, what gives a woman the right to judge a guy when if the tables were reversed it would be a total crime against humanity as we know it. I told my ex she was too fat, she told me at the start of the relationship that if we didn’t find each other attractive anymore we would be honest and grown up about it… and she was… she denied me sex, went anorexic, lost a shit load of weight and started fucking my mate.

The bottom line is guys is you have to do as you’re told and not do as she does. If she puts weight on you gotta deal with it because insulting a woman’s weight in mental abuse. If you put weight on and she has to sleep with you that’s physical abuse to her. If she goes off you then it’s your fault for eating too many cakes, if you go off her then you’re a man that doesn’t deserve her in the first place. If you cheat on her then you’re a dirty hound dog that needs hanging from the nearest tree, if she cheats on you then it’s your fault for not showing her enough attention. If she don’t find you attractive anymore then its your own fault for letting yourself go and eating sausage and mash for breakfast, if you don’t find her attractive then you’re a shallow waste of space in the middle of a mid life crisis. You can’t win fellas so don’t even try to.

Back to the food chain thing and with a few re adjustments you see our rightful place, we men are under women and that will never change.

Scott