One of the most bizarre places in the world is Florida at 3.00am, it’s quiet except for the sound of Crickets and other insects you normally hear only in Summer bay, scorching heat that you normally only feel on mid summers day in England. There isn’t much in the way of nightlife since we were staying literally in the middle of Suburbia hell, complete with mail boxes, white holiday homes, big American 4 wheel drive motors and proper authentic trash cans.

Surprisingly though it’s the little things you notice, subtle differences in the oddest things like the grass for example. The first thing with the grass there is that it’s perfect, vast lawns and patches of perfectly cut and faultlessly green grass… no dog shit or litter, no news papers or condoms… just like the all the big white holiday homes that stood around us like giants of convenience… picture perfect! Another thing about the grass that puzzled me is that it crunched like snow when you illegally walk on it, bending down to look to make sure I aint decapitated a bloody hedgehog or something I was shocked to find it was thick like plastic… it felt fake.

Walking into the apartment was pure heaven after walking in from the 3am darkness at 29 degrees into an apartment that’s air con frosty, being a thoroughbred Brit I love the cold. I never even bothered looking around at the décor seeing as my eyes were rioting against me, my brain on stand by and our tempers on edge as they squabbled about who’s fault it was that we got lost even with a Sat nav. Dragging our suitcases through and taking a bloody good shit, me and Sarah crawled our way into a big fat double bed and fell asleep after eighteen long ours of traveling educed boredom and terminal loafing.

Just six hours later we were awake again, feeling cheated of some much needed sleep I scratched the bollocks and staggered into the on suite bathroom, greeting me was a six hour brown hat stand in the bottom of the toilet I was too tired to flush earlier. Now I was getting ready for something special, I don’t know why but expected the toilets to flush differently and grabbed the chain and watched expecting something tremendous.

I wasn’t wrong and the toilets flushed totally brilliantly, our toilets work on the principle on the water from the system pushing our ass deposits through a system of tubes… but get this… their toilets work buy the bottom opening somewhere just out of sight and the water along with the Richards and whatever else you chuck in there vanishing straight into the sewer below. It meant that no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t block the bastard. I put on over two stone just trying to bake a crap big enough to fuck their system and I walked away two weeks later fat and defeated.

The best thing about family holidays is that you get serious conflicts of interest, especially when you have two kids with ya as well, so when it came to deciding what we were gonna do with the day ahead I used to amuse myself by sitting back and watching world war three from the comfort of my big American armchair.

Now if it were just me and Sarah then it would be simple, sex and shopping, shopping and sex, shopping and shopping then shopping and shopping… actually we probably wouldn’t get time to do the sex bit as we only had two weeks and she had my debit card and a lot of shopping to do. Sarah in fact had to buy a whole new suitcase for the crap she bought herself and I came back with two appallingly tacky t-shirts, so it was well worth the over time when I came back to top my account up.

Disney Land? Next post coming when I can bummed to write it…

Up until a year ago I had always wondered what the American dream was all about, everyone goes on about it like it’s one of life’s little awards to be American and all that and I just got curious. One breezy cold summers day me and Sarah, along with a few of her family actually went to Florida which had me more excited than an Essex girl at cock sale because the furthest I’ve ever been was Spain, so jetting to the other side of the world was a new experience and we were determined to enjoy it.

So there we are sitting down waiting for 600 tonnes of metal to magically float into the air with us strapped securely inside, Sarah buzzing off her tits and my sphincter gasping at for air and trying to chew it’s way through my boxers. The captain reassuring us in his own friendly way that we are only going to be in the air for twelve hours, 12 FUCKING HOURS! It takes a second for a nut to fall out or a wire to short itself out and my mind is going overtime. I sat there and worked out my chances of survival before we had even taken off and I was shitting it to say the least, I worked out that we would be in the air 43,200 seconds with each approaching second having the possibility of death tagged to my toe… I was bricking it big time.

We eventually crawled into Philadelphia as promised twelve hours later and I was a tad confused. I was always shit at geography but even I knew Philadelphia sounds nothing like Florida, so I asked the missus and she cheerfully told me that we had to get on another plane from Philadelphia to Florida… ANOTHER FOUR HOURS!

So there we are walking around Philadelphia while we waited for the next flight in an Airport that looked exactly the same as the one we left twelve hours ago, so we decided to pop outside for a smoke. We found the exit and stepped into a whole new world and fuck me the heat hit us like brick wall. Now this is going to sound incredibly stupid but the thing that shocked us the most is that how “American” the place is, yes I know it’s America but I wasn’t actually expecting it to be exactly how it is on TV for some bizarre reason.

Me and Sarah just gazed around us in a sweltering heat that had no sun, yet strangely the sky was littered with thick black thunder clouds. It looked like a winter in England but felt like one of our hottest summers. We chugged away at our fags as yellow cabs sped past, movie sounding police sirens echoed in the distance and armed police nodded at us as they walked past. It was a totally surreal experience and it was definitely a whole new world, but inevitably it was time to jump back on the wings of death for another four hours of total shit your pants flying and I weren’t looking forward to it in the slightest.

14,400 more seconds of potential death awaited me and I was pissed big time, not only that but nobody told me that the flying bucket of bolts had a light on the bottom… as we started to fly through the fucking Florida storm complete lightning bolts cracking off left right and center, the lights on plane lit up the clouds we were flying through and thought we were on fire.

"It's okay, it's Florida's Monsoon season" I heard someone say cheerfully, how the hell was that supposed to cheer me up. If by some chance of a miracle we did survive we will then have to spend the next two weeks dodging hurricanes, flying cows and ending up under a house in Oz.

Eventually we landed and after fighting our way through the barricade of questions and eight foot tall armed police guarding customs we ventured on to the streets of Florida… at 3am in the morning!

Things from this moment on just got stranger... I'll continue this post very soon...